I ended up just straight up telling Dolly the situation with E----, she took it well and we were able to have some quiet time to talk about our feelings.
The interesting part of this process for me has been the feelings I have about foster care and adoption that really have nothing to do with foster care or adoption. Let me explain.
When we were asked to be a pre-adoptive home for E---, we took a solid week to discuss it with our family, immediate and extended. When I finally made the call to let them know we were "in" I felt sick. I could not look at a photo of E--- (we were on vacation when we made this decision), I asked myself "what have you done? This is a lifetime commitment, you will be 65 when he is 21, this is CRAZY." This feeling eventually wore off and after being back with E--- for a week I was in love and committed again.
Then, when I learned that DHS and his SW were going to recommend that E--- go to his Grandma I had feelings of not being good enough, of longing for him stay with us because I didn't want him to be with anyone else.
I am not sure these are feelings specific to foster care, I think they are natural human impulses, to want what you can't have and to have cold feet about the big decisions.
As a family we are working through our emotions and feelings about E---- leaving.
I don't know if I could have fostered when our kids were little, it must be difficult for small children to process the feelings that come with losing a sister or brother.
As for my teenagers I think over all our first foster baby has been a big, exciting, fun, difficult and emotional experience. Such is life!