Friday, January 27, 2012

Anonymity

I was just reading this post by Alison.  She reminded me that nobody I know reads my blog, no one I know even knows I have a blog.  I try really hard to make sure no one knows who I am.

But the fact remains that if someone I know reads this blog they might guess who I am.

What Alison's kind words really reminded me of was the sad fact that even though nobody who knows me knows about my blog, I still have a very hard time being completely honest about what is going on in my foster care life.  I am completely paranoid of being found out.

It makes me sad to think that I am not really any closer to find my voice than when I started this blog last summer.

I feel that I have grown and expanded in so many amazing ways through foster care, but I still cannot bring myself to give too much of myself to this blog.

With every post I feel exposed, but at the same time I hold back so much from the fear I have.

The thought of Primo's social worker, DHS worker, or bio parents finding out that I am writing this blog completely freaks me out.

I am not sure how to go on with this blog?  How personal can I get with it?  I'm having trouble walking this fine line.


1 comment:

  1. It is a fine line. I used to be horribly paranoid. But then I decided that it's my lifeline to sanity. Most folks don't understand what it's like to voluntarily open up your home...no, make that your entire life...to a System. (And I've decided anything that ends up being called a System is not always a good thing.)

    Anyway...I feel like I "know" the folks that write the blogs I read. Granted, I do fully realize I only know what they choose to share. And we are all living different experiences.

    But just knowing that I've got a connection with others that "get it" helps me through the rough moments. When I'm completely freaking out about a court hearing, and I put a prayer request out on my blog, and readers comment telling me they're praying...that is invaluable to me. Not only are people praying for me -- but somehow I think I'm comforted just a little bit more because the folks praying for me really understand what I'm going through.

    I totally understand wanting...or even needing to be anonymous. I don't want anyone involved in The System to know I write a blog. I would probably lose my license. But I need the outlet for my own sanity. Hang in there. I'm sure you'll find the right balance of what to share and what to keep private.

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