Sunday, April 7, 2013

Family Decision

Primo now has a new baby sibling. We made the very difficult and yet so simple decision not to take his sibling.

First let me say that we did not take this decision lightly. The bottom line was that after all the pressure from Primo's agency and meeting over and over with our immediate family we just couldn't get everyone living in our home on board. My teenaged daughters are just plain finished with foster care. They are worn out, disillusioned, stressed and anxious. It's not working for them.

They are all completely in love with Primo and want him to stay forever if it works out, but the idea of prolonging the uncertainty that has become our whole family's daily lives is not an option for them.

So, the court's decision to set a termination date for Primo and his older brothers, but give the bio parents over a year to work a plan for the new baby made the decision easy for my children. They simply stated that they could not live with the continued drama, not when there was an end in sight for Primo's case. On top of that was the very real possibility that we could have Primo's baby sibling in our home for a year and half and then he might have transitioned back to Primo's parents. We would have to explain to a three year old why his sibling was leaving to go live with his bio parents, while he stayed with our family.

As much as Mike and I wanted to make everything work so that Primo could be raised with his brother, we simply could not ignore the fact that foster care has irreparably changed our family dynamic. Our children have suffered huge losses (along with many benefits) at the hands of the foster care system. It is just a fact. Their lives as they new them pre-foster care have ceased to exist. All of our daughters have handled this in different ways, but it has become increasingly obvious that they have reached their limit.

On top of this is the fact that Primo has many, many siblings and to our knowledge only two have been kept together. We will be able to maintain a relationship with these two older brothers and with the new baby sibling who are all within easy travel distance from us.

While we went back and forth over and over again with this heart wrenching decision the one thing I kept reminding myself of was that none of us had caused the situation that Primo and his many siblings now find themselves in. All of the foster parents and the adoptive parents who now care for Primo's siblings were and are trying to make the best out of a painful situation. There are no fairy tale endings, each family must decide how much they can take on, while keeping the rest of their family intact and healthy.

I have to say that since we made this decision it has become abundantly clear that this was the BEST decision we could have made for our family.


  1. I understand where you are coming for so completely. I'm glad you have peace with the decision. I was equally as thrilled (and at peace) when I found out that I'm not going to have to make this decision when Dude & Dolly's sibling is born.

  2. Such a hard, hard decision. I found myself nodding my head at your statement about none of you causing the situation to be what it is. I find that workers can unintentionally(?) put pressure on us or maybe that pressure is just perceived, but you are right. It is not our responsibility to fix everything. We have to do what is best for our family first.

    1. Yeah the pressure was mostly in my mind, but the SW did ask me quite regularly when we were going to make a decision.

  3. God love ya, that is such a wretched decision to make. Hugs to you and your family!!