Thursday, June 18, 2015

Maintaining Contact?

For 3 months after visiting with Primo's first Mom he was back in diapers after being almost completely potty trained. I'm happy to say the Primo is now completely potty trained. Such a relief as he is almost 4.

I've been trying to set up another visit with both of Primo's first parents but no luck so far. If I'm being completely honest it's been a bit of a relief as Primo is ready to move out of his day care preschool and on to old fashioned arts and crafts and lots of outdoor play time preschool my other children attended. The hitch is that he has to be completely potty trained for this preschool, another set back at this point would be a real pain.

The lack of visits has been because I've not heard from Primo's parents in over a month. We set up times to meet and then I never heard from them. It's a real bummer as I had imagined we'd get together 3-4 times a year, but I'm letting go of that expectation. What will be will be. I will keep trying to keep in contact, but this is a two way street and I can only be responsible for my side of the street.

Most of what I read online supports visits for adopted children with their first parents and or siblings, but in my real life the 4 other Mom's I know who adopted via foster care, along with Primo's old social workers,  think I'm crazy for remaining in contact with Primo's first parents. They don't understand it.

I've also been trying to track down Primo's many siblings. I believe it is very valuable for him to know his siblings when he's ready. I found the parents of an older sister a few months ago, but have not made contact with them. One of the Mothers of Primo's brothers was down right annoyed with me for finding her. I've also found a bunch of adult brothers, but no one but me is interested in contacting them.

What would you do? I'd very much like to hear about your experiences with maintaining contact with your child's biological family.


  1. Most adult adoptees say its better to stay in contact so that's what I'm trying to do as well but I admit it's very difficult and they don't follow through like I thought they would.

  2. I think you have the right attitude. You are trying. You aren't giving up. You can't force contact.

    We don't have ongoing contact with M's birth family right now. They are not stable enough for us to be comfortable with them having our contact information, but I have attempted to pass on photos/updates/etc via caseworkers; they have not responded. (I don't mean they haven't sent me anything in response; I mean, they haven't responded to the caseworker to even get the stuff I'm trying to send them.)

    I think I've read some of the same adult adoptee blogs you have, saying maintaining the bond is important. And I believe them and trust that they are the best resource on what my child might need/want because they are the ones who've actually lived this! But those authorities never really address what to do when the biological family is the one that doesn't seem to want contact....How long do we keep trying? I'm leaning toward trying until the child is old enough to tell me to stop (and to mean it and know what that means).

    I have had phone contact with M's oldest biological sibling's adoptive mother. The sibling's therapist doesn't think sister visits are a good idea right now, so we aren't doing them. I hope there's a "yet" on the end of that sentence.

    Most days, I just tell myself to imagine explaining this to M when she's older. (She's 1 right now.) Do I feel like I can honestly say I tried? That I did what I could to stay in contact? If so, then I am probably doing enough.

  3. I've been following your story for awhile and it's amazing how parallel our journeys have been. We adopted in September and I do keep in contact with my daughters birth mom. It's not a lot but it's enough for now. As long as it continues to be safe and beneficial for my daughter, I will continue the relationship.

  4. As an adopted child, now an adult I strongly encourage sibling contact when it is openly received by the siblings and other adoptive parents. My siblings and I benefited greatly from being kept in close contact and are forever grateful for the adults whom made it happen even beyond their own comforts at times. Regarding the birth parent contact: proceed with caution. If your someone whom prays, absolutely pray and seek wisdom for your situation. Not all birth parents want the best for the child even though they love them. Also, the child is now yours to love forever and yours to have to comfort when things go wrong. The birth parents don't have to deal with many of the repercussions of their actions/words, you get to do that even when it wasn't your fault. Your doing a very hard job, thank you!!